A GRAIN OF SALT

I tried to read on the trian to work, can find myself could not concentrate. Lines jumped in my eyes, but that’s like a view passing by the window and your mind is else where. I am reading but I read nothing.I thought of Steve Jobs’s speech at Standford, the vedo I watched yesterday evening. “Take each day as your last day, one day you are going to find it right. Ask yourself this questiong, if today is the last day of my life, what I would be doing? Would I still be doing this? If the answer is NO for many days in a run, then you need to think seriously what you are doing.

He emphacizes,

DO NOT SETTLE, FOLLOW YOUR HEART

And I have been asking myself this hunting question: what’s my heart’s call? I asked my husband too, and he laughs: You still don’t know it, being so long your quest for the answer.

Pherhaps the answer has always been there, but it’s too quiet and shy, hidinb behind the noise of ego and seemingly right answers, and it’s too daring, so I choose to ignore it, I choose not to see or hear it? Which leave must I turn so as to see it? I feel so lost when it comes to my career.

I could not read the book, not because the train is noisy, but because of my heart. It’s full of noises.

To answer one question I do know, if this is my last day, I won’t be sitting here, doing this work. I will be with my son, and write stories for him, and for other people who has not lived their life full, who broght unnecessary pains on to themselves, like I did not do this to myself.

Have I lived my life well? Have I wasted this opportunity, this one chance, to live as a human? And what is human? I believe the meaning of it is neutral, human is not all good or bad, but a mix of nobility and disguesting horriblenss, with kindness, selfness behaviors and greeds, selfishness. It’s a color of specy, if examined closely. Good and agains bad, forms a balance, we foughtthe evil outside as well as inside, sometimes we lose, sometimes we win, this lows and highs forms waves that push the stream forward going. Then even evil has done good too. There is no real good or bad, looking at the larger picture, all is part of the game?