I don’t know why we always had our conversations so late. Often after we retire to bed, which normally means after midnight, lying in bed naked and in darkness, a causal subject could strike a long conversation which lead to some serious and big topic such as life, death, career, economy, politics, social concerns. This time, education, about the good schooling.

We did not start big though. Like daily small talks between couples, you strike on something like you strike a match, but if the match is on dry hay then you started a fire, and if the hay in on edge of forest.

We started by discussing the real estate price in good school district – Xu Hui District. Our son is only 2 year and half, but we were already worried about school. The school is where we live is no hope. Like all parents, especially Asian parents, we want our son to receive the best possible education – sounding boring, and I did not believe in this before I was in the legion of parenthood. In Shanghai, children go to school that is in their community, where their HUKOU(Birth record) is kept, and this is connected to your real estate, where your house is. We had planned to buy or exchange for a smaller old second hand apartment in area where there are good schools. We want to save until our son is 6 or 7, so then we could have enough money. We don’t care if we have to live in an older and small apartment and pay more for it, as long as Jian(our son) could go to a nice school, it’s worth it.

Good education changes him life. We believe in education, even in today’s disappointing situation in education world in this country. But still, we do our best. Call it a sad sacrifice if you wish, but who has not tasted the bitterness of been lad behind, if your lag behind in school, you could be doomed to be lagged behind in everything.

My husband informed me the apartment price at good school district had gone up to 30,000RMB/ Square Meter, even it is 20 years old broken apartment. It sold like crazy. I was devastated at this news – this means we won’t be able to afford it, this means our son won’t be able to enter the best public school, and we don’t have money to send him to private school. We may have to send him to the neighborhood school, which is only little better off than village school, there is no comparision between this school and the Xuhui Area school.

I was angry and upset, and remembered earlier I had read a mainland pregnant girl took the trouble to go to Hong Kong to have her baby, so her baby will be a Hong Kongnes, and by doing this they don’t have to fight ficerely through this narrow “TUNNEL” – get enrolled in nice public, get in nice university, you always have to beat thousands of people like you in order to progress. For this Chinese mainland girl who went to HK to have her baby, it is a tragedy with a sad ending. She had a problem, she lost her baby and lots of money in giving birth in HK.

So that’s another dead alley, she thought HK is an easier step stone, but she lost everything instead. Many people were on that path, some succeeded, going oversea to give birth so as to change nationality, thus destiny, Hong Kong, Canada or USA. But they have their own pain, their baby becomes a “foreigner” in their own country, they were not covered by the free national education, they have to go to international school like other western kids do. And if they could not afford it, they will have to pay extra to enter local school. It’s an award situation in either way.

So we may have to accept the reality that for our adorable son the only thing left is go to this neighborhood school. It makes bitter, like as a parent we failed, failed to provide him, to send him in the same race lane and same starting point, he will be in a long curved lane and even if he runs fast by nature, he won’t be able to catch up the others.

I want to escape all this. I want to immigrate to Australia, so my son could have it easy, at least he won’t have compete against so many people.

What’s wrong with this school anyway? My husband shot me a cool question.

Everything, I said.

Like what?

Like the other kids that goes to this school are wild and their parents are not educated, they are either from rural area or North-east of China, they always using dirty words and they like fighting, picking trouble, some of these kids are like little wild animals, I saw them in play yard! You know all boys like fighting, and our son could be hurt. He could also be distracted from learning, and stray away. I took a deep breath, feeling a bit out of air saying all this in one breath.

“Yesh, like the kids in Australia won’t fight – they could be just like the ‘north east” Chinese people you know. Even more, Jian could learn to use drugs, you will have more to worry. I tell you now. ” My husband added,

Did you think about how we are going to live in Australia? What if we could not find a job, what if we don’t like it. I don’t know if I could find a nice job. We have to start everything from scratch, it’s not going to be easy. Is it worth it?

I thought for a while about what he said. He is right. It will not be easy for us. Is it worth it? But I did not want to give up, I pushed:

Of course it’s worth it, for our son, think of Jian, if you don’t feel like it, we do this for Jian!

I was carried away by my argument. This is foolish. At the bottom of my heart, I really don’t know whether I would like it, living in another country, starting a new life. Like possessed by demon I was possessed by the good school. Then my mind came around. I said to myself:

But we live in Shanghai, even the worst school in Shanghai is better than the country side school, the mountainous area school. What kind of education would they get? Who is the privileged comparing to them? The documentary I saw TV and news papers I read flash back to me, what kind of start are these kids getting, which lane they are in? Aren’t they more doomed? How, would these kids’ parents feel? That when they couldn’t even put their children to any school at all, due to lack of living expenses for their children’s schooling. Government made big efforts to get all children to school, however in areas there are still dropouts.

I felt ashamed of myself now. This obsession about good schooling, not that I stopped wanting them, but I stopped the devastating feeling – this is not the end of world, nor shall it be the end of our child’s life. He could still try and make his own future. It would be harder of course, but always possible. Destiny is at your birth, but always forming forever, with each act and thought.