过年这几天，从周四到周日，我一天比一天不安。因为一点儿也没学习。我身体能感知的过年的方式，就是什么正经事儿也不做，这才算放松。四天里，一天半在烹饪，两天半里追了两部剧。从周五下午到周六上午，我追完了《QUEEN GAMBIT》， 从周六到周日上午，看完了《THE WITCHER》1。

两部剧都非常好看。

第一部，天才少女+问题女孩。得提一句，除了天才，BETH也是超乎常人的努力。象棋几乎占据了她生活的全部。

第二部，魔幻，奇侠，扣人心弦的故事线。之前曾被游戏吸引，如今发现这部剧虽然略不同于游戏，可是非常精彩。拍摄的场景，经常是美得窒息。从第一个镜头开始，就紧紧抓住了我。后面层层递进，故事性多面展开。

​一部好剧，里面一定有许多金句。两部剧里各有金句。触动每个人心灵的话是不一样的。第一部里，BETH 妈妈的话，第二部，男主WITCHER 和YANIFER。

这个年，在中国还有假期的人，可以慢慢继续放松，我们没有长假，周一伊始，一家人上班的上班，上学的上学，能感觉像过年的，也有这个周末。且为了这几天的放松，我也得在新的一周里要加倍努力了。落后的学业，得补。就像THE WITCHER 里非常讲究balance，并一再强调，任何东西都是有代价的，想得到什么，都得付出代价。

我在过年期间，研究吃的，琢磨吃的，制作吃的。看视频学习，发现自己缺少工具，于是又采办添置了一些。足不出户，网上订的东西在陆续到货，收到货开包那一刻，真是欢喜。

今天是周一，才从IKEA 买了书架，花瓶，抱枕等，又从亚马逊买了那款惦记了许久的榨汁机。我心底寄望，运送中的VITAMIX榨汁机到了之后，我们一家将开启更健康的生活方式。多自己制作一些健康饮品，食物，让不爱喝水的自己和小孩都多喝一些果蔬汁。如果能每日使用，也算物有所值。IKEA的书架收到后，书房会整洁一些，那些花架花盆，也令人期待。可是同时，也隐约感到内疚，不安。那个端丽可爱的日本女孩--SIMPLIFY YOUR LIFE 的作者说过，你需要的不是更多的收纳工具，而是减少已有的东西。看来，我是南辕北辙了。至简不是一种生活方式，是一种生活态度。

我下完单后暗下决心，对自己说，自此最强烈的愿望都实现了，一个月内将不再买任何东西。自从圣诞节假期开了头，就有些收不住了。我像是陷入了“购物模式”里，时不时会产生购物欲。虽然是添置日常家用，做糕点的膜具，烤盘，蜡纸，新盘子，竹篓等，可是终究也是可有可无的 --没有的时候，也过了这么久，忽然就变成了“必需品”。

​我深知，对外的需求越多，内心就越容易觉得匮乏。真正内心富足时，不会对外界有那么多的期许，欲望，要求。我并不是一个有许多闲暇的人，备齐了那些东西，一年也不见得会用几次，而无论是否使用，储藏和收纳都将会占用更多空间，时间，精力。

从元旦到春节，我们作为中国人，幸运地有两次重新开始的机会。虽然每天都可以重新开始，但大多时候我们都被习惯和本能拖着走，并不太去主动反省。过年，是个暂停键，暂停下来，反省一下，然后重启。每年一次。元旦时写下的新年计划，执行的不好，也可以在中国新年事修正一下，重新开始。

看THE DIG 时，最令我触动的一幕是当小男孩哭着说，I FAILED。 我以为深邃的考古学家会怎样讲一番道理来安慰小男孩，不料他忧伤又笃定地说： WHY, WE ALL FAIL, EVERYDAY. 

我们每天都在失败，一点点儿或许多，但也每天都有机会做得更好。  

​

​

     摘要: 自五月二十五日周一晚上提交了作业，至今日整整两周了。我原打算的是，好容易完成作业了，要长舒一口气，让筋疲力尽的自己好好休息几天，让紧绷着的神经放松一下。原想趁此时机重温一遍《神雕侠侣》，可是最后令我连日来沉溺其中，朝夕浸润，不能自拔的，却是别的一些东西。我心里多少有些悔。原打算的三两天的放松，变成了长达两周的执迷。心里羡慕那些高度自律的人，总是做自己该做的事儿，而不是做自己想做的事儿。我却是时常摇...  阅读全文 小时候有写日记的习惯，写了好多本， 放在老家父母家的书架上积着厚厚的灰。上次回去偶然翻开，心里震惊，原来那是的我是那样的，笔迹也发生了许多变化。

人每天每刻都在变化着， 思绪，思想，性格，心情，欢喜忧愁交替着， 仿佛水上的涟漪，起伏不定， 完全平静如镜的时候，真是少。

日子过得匆忙，像是无形的网， 慢慢结节，慢慢延伸，慢慢到达终点。这一路的旅行，这一路的风景，我们有时太匆忙，来不及细看，来不及多想，来不及咂摸滋味，囫囵的吞下一天又一天。写日志，好像反刍似的， 可以供老来回忆，可以给消失的岁月留下一点儿轨迹。

写日记有一个麻烦，就是隐私问题， 我们想在日记里吐露心事，又怕被人看去，于是些得轻描淡写，不过瘾，索性不写了。我就是这么中断写日记的。 现在想想，日记也未必要每日做灵魂的洗礼，即使记下流水，也是好的。吴晗日记不是简单的就几行字，难得的是每天都记下。我打算重新开始记日记，就从今天开始吧。 Precall Plannner Worksheet
1. Organization name.... phonetic pronunciation
2. Interview schedule.....A interview with ___Location___Time___
                                   B interview with ___Location___Time___
3. Snapshot summary of organization
Industry_______
Product________
Customers_____
Competitions_____
Reputation and image_______
News tidbits____

4. Why this company should hire you ( what dollarizable value you will bring. what problem you will solve)




选择这个电影，完全是因为想练法语听力，看它拿过大奖，好奇想知道这个丑主演会有一个怎样的故事。 故事完全出乎意料，DVD背后的剧透被我完全忘记了，看到一半才想起来，噢，是关于一个画画的女佣的。 影片一开头就让人揪心，不是揪心的紧张，是一种揪心的美。早上的太阳才刚刚在河畔的林梢升起，有火红的颜色却没有火红的热感。女主角用手在河水的泥浆里摸索着，听见教堂的钟声敲响，就急匆匆奔向教堂。 法国北部的古城SENLIS很美，绿郁葱葱，不规则的石头砌成的路，高耸入云的哥特式教堂。SERAPHINE坐下来动情的歌唱着圣歌。 她帮人洗衣服，做家务，打零散的工，挣零星的钱，她过得清苦，憋促，没有朋友，没有家人，没有尊重她，没有人感激她。 然而她是快乐的，她说自己伤心时会去拥抱大树，会和鸟儿虫儿说话，然后，悲伤就会过去。 然而SERAPHINE有一个秘密，她夜里会发出奇怪的噪音吵醒楼下的房东，她制造自己秘密的颜料，她画画到天亮。 天亮了她继续给人做粗活，她继续辛劳的过活，她的生命，宛如她的艺术作品，在黑的不眠的夜里，绚丽绽放。 她画的原始，奇特的美，没有人能欣赏，除了那个德国艺术收藏夹， Wilhelm Uhde. 他发现给自己做女佣的SERAPHINE竟然有这等天赋，他欣赏她的画，鼓励她继续画。他资助她。她对他，有埋藏极深的喜欢，却埋藏的深到无言。 战争（第一次世界大战）来临，他仓促出逃， 留下他的收藏的艺术品，她的画，还有SENLIS的生活记忆。 战争结束后，他没有再回来寻找他新发现的画画天才，他继续过自己的生活，直到他听见一个画展的消息。他又一次看见SERAPHINE 的画，又一次被触动。他去寻找她，买下她的画，做她的画展，他赞助她，她的人生似乎黑夜遇见黎明，忽然亮堂起来。 她的画被认可了，她几乎要成名了，然而经济大萧条来临了，她的梦，她梦想自己成名，梦想买一个大房子，梦想自己的作品在全世界被认可，破灭了。她的救世主UHDE 也在经济萧条时抛弃了她，就如同一战时他骤然离去一样。SERAPHINE 陷入绝望，崩溃。她的结局令人伤感，感慨人生的无奈，现实的残酷。 人生的好年华短暂，她在好年华里过着苦日子，人生的好日子对她来说更短暂，她才尝到甜头，开了胃口，结果一下就没了。 她的灵性，她的激情，她对生活和自然的爱，留在世间，她的画里。 去西藏的青朴修行地旅行那天，和一个来自内蒙古的女孩结伴。她只有十九岁，读书读不下去了，忽然逃课买了张火车票就来到拉萨。去青朴的人不算多，我们在青旅认识，偶然结伴。 青朴修行地的路上非常静谧，我们在静谧的上山沿着小溪，蜿蜒的小路上山，一路上没有其他行人，也没有其他任何声音，我们听得见自己在高原上的喘息，还有自己说话的声音。在这样的情形下，人很容易打开自己。因为我们原是陌生人， 以后也复是陌生人，讲出来的话没有再继续背负和面对的压力。她谈及童年说，爸爸妈妈总是吵架，妈妈想离婚又下不了决心，老是来问她，离了婚愿意跟谁过，离了婚她能不能接受。她说：问得我烦死了，要离就离吧，干嘛老是问我！与其这样，不如早些离了！ 后来她的爸爸妈妈还是一直没离，大概终于下不了决心，直到她上了大学，才算有个了结。 又有一个相熟的朋友，说小时候父母也是总吵架，爸爸对妈妈很不好，一直忍着爸爸，为了她和哥哥，但是最终还是忍不下去了，离了。她说宁愿离了清净，因为不愿再看到父母那样反目相像。 又认识一个十三四的女孩子，五岁时父母就离了婚，她觉得自己家没了，虽然母亲待她很好，继父也很客气，可她心里还是愿父母在一起，她说，至少妈妈爸爸等我长大了再离。又有一个父母离异的十七岁的男孩子，说：离婚干嘛要问我？问我我就说不要离！他们的事自己决定了，我只能接受了。 到考虑到离婚这一步，婚姻总是有问题的。离还是不离，很多父母犹豫不决的原因，是顾忌小孩。怕小孩受伤，想要保护她/他，给他/她一个完整的家，可是一起撑着这个家的两个人却心已远，又要勉强很近的站在一起，为了共同给孩子撑住这个家。可是对于小孩子， 也真的很难说。在不和睦的父母争吵的夹缝中长大的小孩，都是宁可父母早离了清净，而真正父母离异的小孩们，又有的会希望父母再为自己多维持几年。 没有经历过离异的小孩，觉得争吵不和睦最苦，想着离婚后的清净应胜于勉强的婚姻。不勉强的婚姻离散后，小孩子没有受过自己爱的两个人整日争吵的苦，总幻想着或许父母在一起更好。中国的父母，离婚时多会顾忌到小孩许多，犹豫踌躇再三，很难痛下决心。西方的父母，认为生活的第一责任是对自己负责，勉强的婚姻是对自己不负责，也就是对小孩不负责。他们认为离婚的小孩未必不快乐，快乐的离异的父母胜过勉强痛苦的家庭。当然前提是离异的父母双方都能重新找回自我，找回生活的快乐。勉强的婚姻里，也有不痛苦的小孩，因为父母把双方的矛盾都包藏得很好，不给小孩知道，在小孩面前从不争吵，所以小孩的生活环境是平和，愉快的，即使没有看见父母间爱的表现，至少也没有看见那么恨的表达(互相打骂）。 对于小孩来说，每天看见自己爱的两个人在一起，他们之间是和睦的，他/她心里才会有安全感，才会觉得踏实。离与不离，究竟还是看作为小孩的父母，两个人是如何相处的。小孩默默观察，体会着如何与人共处，就是从家里开始。如果家里看见的是平等，尊重，友好，爱和接纳，他/她长大后也就容易去平等，尊重，友好，爱和接纳他人，就能更好的融入社会。如果勉强的婚姻中，父母能做到这些，就可以继续勉强，如果做不到，就不要再勉强下去。小孩子看见父母分离，以后不能每天同时看见两个人或许会失落，但是更难过的却是看见自己爱的两个人相虐相憎，这样就不让早分以减轻小孩的痛苦。 父母总想保护小孩，但是自己也保护不了时自然也保护不了孩子。至于是否离婚这个决定，千万不要问未成年的孩子。他/她们无法做出理性的分析，也只能感性的表达自己的态度。也许这样的问题会令他们吃惊，担忧，不知如何是好的惶恐。有些父母会希望用小孩的意见来帮助自己做决定，比如离婚后孩子跟谁？是否离婚，什么时候离， 这个就是在推卸责任了。虽然妈妈们最容易脆弱和犹豫不决，最容易向小孩子求助，可是内心一定要坚定的告诉自己：我是成年人，这是我要想清楚再做出决定并承担后果，不能把责任推卸给孩子。 夫妻们决定好后，如果是离，就一起坐在孩子面前平静地告诉他/她一个事实，就是爸爸妈妈都是爱你的，只是爸爸妈妈不再在一起生活了。如果是继续，就要双方约定好没有爱的激情也要有基本的善意和尊重，小孩看见的父母虽然没有多少如胶似漆的爱意， 却也有相敬如宾的尊重。假如离婚，离异的父母双方也都应做到不在孩子面前，对方背后讲对方的不是，说对方坏话，最受伤害的是孩子。此外，各种重建阳光的生活，不然心里装满怨恨和阴霾，孩子才能更快适应变化的生活。 在小孩出生前，父母相识后缔结家庭才有了小孩，在小孩出生后，家庭会面临它自己方方面面的问题，问题不能解决家庭就可能分解。因家庭先于小孩而存在，小孩习惯适应于家庭这个环境，会本能的排斥和恐惧变化，但是最终是能适应的。离婚的小孩，也有快乐健康的，婚姻中的小孩，也有有问题的，关键不在婚姻与否，而在于小孩的成长环境能否充满阳光，充满正向的元素。 离或不离，父母都要一直用心努力，每天让阳光照进孩子的生活。 In Montreal, you can not beat the view from the top of Mont Royal. The hill slowly sloped to grounds, streets, with its tall trees densely spread all over. The beautiful curve of the platform on the top of Mont Royal make it looks like the deck of boat, and looking far ahead from the top your eyes would meet the skyline where it meets the earth. The sky and the earth mingled in yellowish brown glowing with mellow lights and blue mist. In between is the city, Montreal. The city occupied the vast space between the far away glowing mysterious place where sky and earth mingle, and the stone wall in front your body and the hard rock paved ground under your feet. The view is remarkable, breath taking, lovely, pretty...all the expression the people used seems to pale out in front of it’s reality. I observed the vast metropolitan city spread in front of me, I saw the small cars and small people, and the medium sized high buildings and low roofs, and I thought about the life and soul carried in eath of these people, and the life and soul hidden behind each window and door, behind each glasses tinted or thickened, and behind each various clothe style and material, and I wondered, how people live in real life feel self to be so large, as if it could swallow the whole universe. Indeed we are so small, such small mini creatures could amazingly carry so much love, pain, dream, sadness, it’s the emotions that seems to fill up the universe. Our small fragile human body, busied about here and there, wanted this and that, heart sweeten and heart broken, consumed constantly, ceaselessly, tirelessly by emotions. Would life be much lighter, easier, if we don’t bear so much emotions, no love, no fear, no anger, no sadness, no dreams no depression , no illusions no disillusions, just live, like a tree, like a plant. Perhaps then we would live much longer, but how boring it would be, to be touched by nothing, to feel nothing. Bleeds, wounds, inside out, sweetness, bitterness, bittersweetness, all the flavors mixed and mingled into one, called “the taste of life”. Which is a complex and a complication, constantly changing its formulations, never purely sweet or bitter, never purely happy or sad, never stable in its chemical, but ever so delicious. If there is any doubt, just look at how crowded earth is, with plenty of being fear of death, giving everything to linger around longer on earth. Sometimes it feels like under a huge storm, rain falls like bullets, wind blows and rain pours, clouds thickens and sky darkens, and tree bends so low and shaks so hard, it lost its leaves, its branches break, its trunk bends very low, and it fears it would not survied it. Yet, all it needs to do, is wait another day. Another day the wind would stop, the rain too, the cloulds would disappear, the sky light up and its trunk lift off, its new leaves grow, its new branches sprout....all it needs to do, is wait another day. Another day, it would get better. If happiness is a choice, why would any one choose to be unhappy? If miserary is not a choice, why some one could get out of there while others could not? If happiness is a goal, which the whole world and the whole human being, and each of our whole life is chasing after, why so few people actually "get it"? Perhaps happiness is like a butterfly, you could rarely capature it by running after it, you just have be there like a flower, live vividely and being beautiful, be there and butterfly will fall upon you. It would fell so lightly, that you could bearly feel its arrival until it kicks off. We seldom know we are happy, at the moment of happiness, we are like a flower busy blossoming, absorbing wholely in the shake of air, in the blow of wind, in the kiss of sunshine, in life itself. We don't realize we were happy, until we were lesser happy or became misery, than we look back at the fleeting moment and saw: Aha, I was so happy. Happiness is a history, it's always in past tense when it comes to recognization. Sometimes we have this far intuitive feeling, certain moments in life we feel life is so fulfilled, like a ballon filled with air, that we could almost fly, then either the baloon go off your hand suddenly, or it burst off while you had seized it too hard. Happiness is not to be found, but remembered, not chased, but arrived. It started to rain in the morning, while we were still in the classroom that faces Mont Royal, we heard the rain fell suddenly and rapidly, hitting the glass panel of the rear windows in our class, like anxious knocks at the door in quiet night. It shocked us, and nearly the whole class turned to look. The girl sitting next to me is in love, she is sending text messages to her love during class, and I glanced over and saw an text from her Italian lover appearing in yellow highlights signifying it's a message she received from him: 'Where are you my love?" Aha, it's the international language of lovers, "my love" exist in all languages, in French it's "Mon amour", in Spanish "Mi amour" in Italian "Mio Amore". He is a bastard of Italian and Spanish, speaking French and English fluently as foreign language, and Italian and Spanish as mother tongues. She confessed, although she has a boy friend, she had fallen in love with this Italian. He is so charming, so gentle, so hopelessly romantic, comparing to her Chinese boy friend who support her financially generously, she found from this Italian what has been missing from her Chinese boy friend. She knew she depends heavily on her unromantic Chinese boy friend her quality of life and financial freedom, but on the other side her feelings toward him is weak and dry. To fairly state it, she needs him more than she wants him. It's a relationship of somewhat, if not purely love, perhaps un exchange of needs, of interest, un fair one? It's the most popular exchange in the market of society: Money for Beauty. Money for security. Who can criticize it? If both sides are willing to do so, and are doing so freely. The older I grow, the less strict I am to criticize others. We are all easily judgemental, to others. But who are we really to say what's wrong or what's right? Each one is entitled to live as they wish, happy or miserable, it's a personal choice. If they were able to achieve happiness, congratulations. If they were in misery, pity them, for they know no better otherwise. We are all victims of our own choice, while we all make our best effort to do it right. When we do it wrong, we need not to hear a denouncement, but sympathy. The punishment is not necessary to be given by others, because the result itself, of a bad decision, make us suffer enough already. My classmate told me, her Italian asked to her official boy friend, but she could not right now, because she wants to see after 6 months, after the passions fade away, how he would be like. She lowered her head and then looked into my eyes and said "I think we have lesser 40% of chance. More likely than not, this love affair won't last. It won't lead us to marriage." If her intuitive feelings are true, why does she still continue? Why is she planning a trip to Europe together with this Italian? Because she is in love, knowing their future is vague doesn't stop her steps of advancing in love. Love is like a legend, people hear about it and doubt whether it's real until it's being experienced personally. I watched her, like watching a play on live show, like watching the rain fell, flapping the glass window panel. What love will do to her? Who knows. Perhaps that's exactly the charm of life, because of all the uncertainties, like the uncertainty of a rainfall. Sometimes rains save the lives of plants, sometimes it kills off, sometimes the rain nurses, sometimes the rain ruins. The Right "Rain" quench the thirst of life, while the Wrong "Rain" floods away the base of life. Who knows? Love happens, like life happens, life rain falls.

posted @ 2014-04-16 05:13 Sunshine 万里长空 阅读(160) | 评论 (0) | 编辑 收藏

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