又一次偶然听到罗大佑的《你的样子》，心中无限感伤．

人世的沧桑，故人在人海中逐渐消失，远去，却在记忆中形成了一个不能碰触地鳞片。不能碰触， 又无法忘记。

第一听到这首歌，是许多年前一个初秋的月夜，才和他一起看了今生难忘的一个壮美的夕阳，在久别的重逢后，他主动说唱首歌给我听，坐在他的自行车后， 在西北的荒野，第一次，听到了这首歌。

感动的说不出话，只是觉得胸口堵住了一样，耿着． 良久，默问，怎么会唱这歌给我听？

他说，因为听到这首歌时总会想起你。

后来去找来歌词细看，揣测着是歌词中的哪些话语，会令他触动，会令他想起我。

他是我从小学到25岁的暗恋，在25岁又次见到他，这个暗恋终于来到明媚的阳光下，虽然像朵采到手中的鲜花，很快就脱水凋谢了．但是捧在手中那一刻，这花是芬芳满怀的。

在那之后，仿佛走了一个圆圈，终点回到了起点。

Falling in and out of love a few more times, now married, have a child, and reached middle 30s.

No longer looking back much, content with family life, loving husband and child, what more to ask?

是的，夫复何求呢？ 的确是满足的，生活的不富有，也不贫困，工作，家，爱都有，日子便这般流淌过去。可是很久很久的间隔间， 依然会偶然想起他，诧异他依然会偶然入梦。自以为忘记的往事，便会浮上来，回忆的味道，真是五味杂陈。

现刻听到这首《你的样子》， 我情不自禁地想：

他在哪里呢？

在做什么？

小孩也有了吧？

他生活的好吗？

多年前失去了联系， 过去这十年去的这样快， 以后的几个十年也会这样快的倏忽间化做尘烟吧。 他眼下会是什么样子呢? 我们以后还会见面吗？很难想像致死都不再见面．那么他的样子，一定或会在我临终前的念中划过吧．

如今　每再听到罗大佑的这首＜你的样子＞，总会情不自禁想起他的样子，当然是十年前的他的样子．

在十年前的别后，他每再听到这首歌时，会否依然想起我的样子呢？

　

Celebrated my # 30s birthday last Sunday.

Went to cenima with husby and watched "CHI BI" directed by John Wu. Even though there were some negative comments in internet before actually watching the movie, but I was not influenced at all. I beleilve my own feelings and my feelings are it's a good movie. And this is what we think when we walked out of the cenima.

War is cruel. Warlords and warriors are embitious and couragiou. The old 1 millions old question emerged again: why can't we have peace and enjoy a peaceful life, why must there be war?

The answer is probalby simpler than expected. Because of greeds, because of selfishness of certain people who's thirst for powder can never be requenched. So the Wars begin, and then it's like waves one following another, it becomes impossible to define where and how one starts and ends.

All wars like to disguise itself with an houorable and justified cause. Some are indeed hounorable, and justified. But the blood shed, lifes taken are always ungly and shameful. Must all this happen? For what?

Heroism dreams die hard. In the end, all turns into nothingness --it may sounds a bit fatalism, but history is such a mess fordged with countless incidents and coincidents, no one can be assure of anything unless it's happened.

I felt be smalled and sad, and sadly moved by CHI BI.

Father in law prepared a banquet at home when we got back at 8pm. He is very kind and I am much moved, and I determined to be nicer to him, not that I had not been nice, but try to be less judgemental to him.

It's so damn easy to judge people. Judgement are cheap and handy in our heart.

昨夜睡得很辛苦。 儿子总是在我刚要入睡时嗯呀地叫， 担心他不舒服，担心他饿，开空调担心他冻着，开窗担心他热着，担心他大醒。。。。做父母的看到小孩子梦里哭， 有一万种担心，万万无能如专家指导的“坐视不理”。“过虑”是父母的职业病。

从一点到4点，9个月大的儿子醒来四五次。我和老公都很辛苦，冲奶，喂奶，喂水，换尿片。。。气的老公后来叫他“小畜牲”， 我笑。 理解他的心情。他是12点才睡的。

可是儿子自己并不是这么辛苦， 他只真正醒来过一次，玩了几分钟又睡去了。

坐在床上，看着嘀嗒的闹钟，我感慨地对睡眼惺忪的老公说：养儿子太辛苦了。

真的是辛苦，每个星期总有几个晚上睡的很差，可是第二天照样要上班．

不养儿不知父母恩，可是现在我们知道了，　又做了多少呢？

想到父母，总是难免愧疚．父母离的远，难得膝前承欢尽孝．记得有次父亲对我说：父母对孩子，总是100% ，孩子对父母，能有50% 的都算很好的了。”

我问父亲， 那我及格吗？父亲笑了， 说“你及格。”

没一代的父母子女，都是这样轮换着扮演子女，父母的角色。付出的未必期望同等回报，但是如果回报是负数，付出的一方难免悲戚伤怀。

人常说“儿女债”，养儿女是还债， 以这样的心态来养，就不会期待多少回报，但是以被惩罚似的心态养小孩，我也不同意。小孩子天真烂漫，养育的过程虽辛苦也乐趣无穷。我更愿意说这是“责任”。 我们自愿选择和承当的责任。社会延续，人类传承，自然界的规律也是这样，不是有诗“化做春泥更护花”。

My son has turned 8 month old.
He crawls fast and he turns quick. He ignores all the novelty toys we got for him and he always steadily head for "forbidden areas" relentlessly. I admire his persistence but I am also worn out by it.
His curiosity is stronge. He wants to touch and feel things, everything, and favorably through his mouth.

He fall off the bed the other night, while his grandpa, my father in law refuse to listen to my pre caution warnings and put him in their big fence-less bed. My son fell off while we were having dinner. He cried loud in my arms and his tears wet his long eyelashes and my front clothe.

Last night he bumped his head against the bed board. And he fed some mosquitos.

Growing up is always as much, with pain, tears, exploration of new "forbidden" areas.

He had 3 teeth now. His milk had been changed from DOMEX to Friscole. His constimpation remains.

Took him a long while to fall asleep, he ate twice last night and was fed in total 240ml.

I slept poorly on Monday, on that day he:
Took injections at hospital. Supposed to be 3, but 1 was temperorily stopped due to some bad side effects.
Fell off father in law's bed and bumped his forehead.
Moaned constantly in his sleep, and as a result, kept me awake till 4am.

During the day, a glimps of his photo would alway recharge my energy.

I read news about growing up kids, doing stupid things hurting themself, eg taking drugs or falling off a high building... and I would start to worry: would my son one day do that to himself? would I be able to guide him to the right direction and train him strong enought to resist such kind of attempts.

It would hurt me so much, if he stride away and went to the wrong path. We all love him so, and care so much about him, it would always hurt the parents to see the Children do stupid things to themself. Now I can see it, how it was to parents. 

Some children hurt them self in order to hurt their parents. Becasue they saw it , how it was to parents.

My son can stand on his own for a few seconds now. He likes to use the support from a desk or chari edge and stand up on his own. I bought him a pair of nice lether shoes yesterday. His very first real shoes. And he walked in them with the support from his grandpa.

The beginning of life is so tender, beautiful, full of hope and possibilities.
    Reading the book "Simplify Your Life".
Really love it. Want to Translate it into Chinese so more people can benefit from its witty, practical advices.
Want to write to the authors to check out if, it has been translated into Chinese already, if , they would authorize me to start the project.

Reading the book had not really cleared out the clusters/disorders in the house, work or mind. But it's clearning up bit by bit as I go deeper into the reading.

I was upset when I discovered last week that my blog had been "shut down". I didn't recall I had said anything critical or political. Oh, well, as long as I can still enter and put down my fleeting thoughts, I dont mind. Only hope after having reviewed every word in my blog,  the green light will be flashed up.

We make our own life the way it is now. I used to belive in "fortune telling", once, and it's effect is negtive on me. I didn't think I was wise to have had it at the first place. 

It's been raining for weeks now. The weather report said "plum rain" would last till end of month.
I enjoyed the cool breeze in the evenings and the leaden blue sky looking so mystical. I also enjoyed the lush green following the shower. In short, rain doesn't bother me.

I noticed that my blog had a few viewer, I wondered who they are. I am nominouse, like my viewers. It's funny to think of it, especially if two thoughts meet, silently, briefly and then parted quickly. Eech totally unaware of the other.

I want to simplify my life, and live the life I want to live. How hard would that be? It's the distance between reality and ideal, sometimes like the distance between 2 stars,seemingly close in some cases, visible of each other's twinkling lights, but no actual visible bridge in between to cross immediately.
    总是感觉在路上, 在路上时, 真正的还没有到来, 我们只是在等待, 等待时可以不承担任何责任, 等待时可以随意妄为, 做自己想做的事, 或是什么也不做.

在路上时,可以观察身边的行人,窗外的风景， 也可以闭上眼睛想心事，或者定睛读书。 在路上的时间，是完全属于那个常被工作和生活的忙碌忽略了的自己的。 如果路上不是太拥挤不堪，太龌龊难安， 在路上的时间可以是很享受的。

我喜欢在路上的感觉，有时会希望一直这么走下去，不要到站。尤其，窗外如果有好风景，手上有好书，或是身边有良友佳伴。可是，无论是怎样的旅途，总是会到站的。

人生的旅途，也是这般。

到站时多少有些遗憾，有时也是 解脱， 如果旅途太 颠簸疲倦，下车时会觉得如释重负 --呃， 总算到站了。

昨晚惦记起杨绛先生. 很久没有她的消息，很是挂念。虽然她本人觉得人生太辛苦，淡薄生死，但是作为喜欢她的读者，总是希望她活的长久一些，再长久一些。

她评价现代人只想着挣钱，花了又想着再去多挣一些，没有理想。真是惭愧，我们真的是那样的。只是平时并不觉得自己是没有理想的。没有理想的人，生活是有些空洞的，虽然忙，却并不觉得充实，一天一天只觉得自己离自

清晨看到门前的栀子花开了，香气四溢。洁白的花瓣隐身于绿叶间，静静的，不张扬，却自令人难以忽略忘却。杨绛的好，似这栀子花一般。

儿子越来越可爱，看着他白里透红的小脸儿，清澈的眼睛，真是如同佛经里说的“直指人心，明心见姓”。杨绛说自己做为一个女人，哪个方面都只能打60分，做女儿，做妻子，做母亲，做女人都是刚及格。我想她未必是谦逊，心里大概真的觉得有很多遗憾。其实能自己给自己60分已经很好了，我不知道自己将来能不能给到自己60分。做母亲，总是永远都觉得不够好，可以更好，但是我们一身兼着数个角色，哪个角色也不能全心全意的应对，所以总是觉得疲惫又歉疚。

我一直觉得写ＢＬＯＧ　的人多少有点自恋，　而写ＢＬＯＧ　很多的人很容易沉溺于这种自恋的情绪中不能自拔．

名人写ＢＬＯＧ有不同的原因，　为了知名度，点击率，或者为了ＦＡＮＳ．　默默无闻的nobody如我，　想写博客是为了儿子和自己．

为儿子，希望记录下他成长的历程，他长大后，可以看见星星点点自己的成长经历，至少是从妈妈眼里看见自己的出生和长大．为自己，因为岁月流失的太快，　我怕自己某一天忽然变老时，　不记得自己年轻时的生活，不知道过往的岁月都流失到哪里去了．写日记当然是最好的办法，可以留住一些岁月的残片，仿佛手执一片贝壳时时会令我们联想到大海，一些岁月的岁片，会帮我们追忆起一生．

我其实最初是很反对blog 的，　我的偏见很深，而且对纸张和水笔都情有独衷，所以开始是用很传统的方式在记录着飘零的思绪．但是后来发现几个本子后来都找不到了．一来因为养了儿子后很忙，难得有自己的闲暇，二来又搬了几次家，　东西就都隐身不见了．我知道它们终会出来，但终于有些灰心了，有些情绪，当时不能及时发泄出来，过去了也就没心情追记．

于是决心写ＢＬＯＧ．于是请弟弟帮忙，申请了这页属于我的天地．我根本不希望有人知道或进来，只希望这片田地象日记一样隐私，但又可以长久保存．仿佛图书管里一个僻静的角落里躲者看书－－虽然是公共的领地，但也可以感　觉很隐私．

写英文的，是因为中文实在打的太慢．但是有些话，又似乎只有中文才说的出来那种心绪．
昨晚又没睡好，儿子醒来好几次讨奶吃．　今天觉得头昏沉沉的．
儿子的英文名字　ＮＩＣＯＬＡＳ，是请一个希腊的好朋友起的，意思是＂国家，人民，．．＂
生小孩对女人是极大的消耗，总觉得自己生了孩子后记性差了，脑子苯了，人老了．

男人要便宜的多，至少不怕老．虽然大家都希望年轻，毕竟年轻是个过程．仿佛一辆行驶中刹车坏了的老爷车，可以换挡减速，却停不下来．我虽然不是美人，可是也怕迟暮．我的怕，是社会性的，　不是个人的．想若只有我一人，生活在深山老林里，不见世人，不经世事，　那我是不介意自己的容颜改变的．也不必照镜子．相貌终究是表皮，如同身体，本身是会朽坏的东西，不需执着．但是我现在介意，仿佛镜子折射别处的光，不是我的本愿．

这个社会太注重这些表面和虚浮的东西，我在意的人也会不可避免的受到些影响，我为我在意的人在意起来．

所以我也去花不菲的钱买护肤品，为细纹和皮肤的松弛发愁，在家里开始认真地做一点美容功课，往脸上涂涂鸡蛋清黄瓜片之类。这些有用吗？我希望吧。以后可以对自己说，我努力过了。

　

My son is 6.5 months old.

He laughs a lot, and he starts to prefer my company over others.

He crys when I leave home, and he liks to follow me with his eyes when I return home.

He is so cute, and I love him more than my own life. All mothers feel this way about their kids I suppose.

I read kids' peoms to him, and he seems to like it. I can recite a few now, and he seems to recognize the pics of the animals I mentioned.

He calls "mum" often now, loud and clear. He didn't call me "mum" on purpose, but it's still sweet to hear him.

A child is a gift, precious and unique. I often hear people say that, but it's true. I won't know this if I had never had the opportunity to be a mum.

I still hear people tell me how they won't have kids, and I wish they know what they missed, if only they know. I always wanted to have kids, and I thought I would be ok if I can't find the right man to have it with. But I was lucky to have met the "right man", and my body is albe to nurse a life and deliver it.

Creating life is a miracle, though it seems so common since it happens everyday and so many people experience it. But this doesn't make it less unique.

I learn from my son too, from looking after him and being with him. He depends on me, and I felt the pride and honor of being a parent.
Of course there is a risk, and it's a huge responsibility to be responsible for another being's wellbeing. But I have faith. We all do our best, on raising kids, on all maters. And that's enough.
In the after at 14:30 sitting on the 16th floor by the window I started to feel a bit dizzy. I thought first it was my health problem, the chair was shaking and my upper body in it was waving uncotrollably, I thouht i maybe fainting soon, but then I suddenly noticed the curtains in another room was moving, yet the windows were shut! i realized what it may be, so i stood up and asked my colleagues,

"did you feel dizzy?, i think we are experiencing an earthquake"

"YES! I DO!"

"I do too, i thought i was ill"
"I too!...."

I smiled, I had experienced earthquake before, this kind of dizziness is familiar, although my first thought was always health issue. A moment later I heard noise in the corridor, it confirmed my conclusion what it was. I turned to my colleagues and asked them to take their valueable personal belonging with them, and exit from this building. 

"Don't take the lift," I said to them " take the stairs",
"Why?"
A colleague asked. 
"Because the electricity may go off, and you may get caught".

The stair way were full of people decending step by step. I took out my mobile phone and first dialed home, I informed mother in law what happened and told her not to go out, just don't go to the Kitchen, better go to bathroom. She repeated what I said, and then hang up. Second I called my husband, and asked him if he felt anything. He is working in the same district with me, and I am suprised he felt nothing. However I still told him what I experienced, then I hang up.

The scene was funny on the street, full of peoople standing there. Everyone was trying to call someone, I tried to call our HR leader to inform him about the empty office at the moment, i found out there is no way to call anybody now, the line was blocked.

We waited for an half hour on the small greenland between surrounding hight buildings. I wondered why my husband felt nothing and whether it's an earthquake, it seemed only people in this building felt something. Could it be that the building is to collaspe due to quality reason? Our lease contract is due till end of year. If the quality is a worry then it would be hard to solve the problem.

Luckily I got my judgement confirmed from the policemen. I saw two policemen came in motors at the cross. " Officer, can you confirm whether this is an earthquake or not?" 

"Yes, it said, we just got confirmed news 2 minutes ago it's an earthquake from South West, Shanghai is safe."
"Do you mean South West China or South West Shanghai?" I asked.
"South West China of course,  if Shanghai than half of China would suffer the loss." He said.
"Is it safe to go in to the building now?" I asked.
"I can tell you the earthquake didn't not happen here, we only FELT it. Shanghai is safe."
"Can you tell whether there maybe any aftershocks?"
"No, I CAN'T tell that".

Some people passing the street commented " These people are not in fear of the earthquake, they just want to be away from the office to enjoy a break!"

That is probably true. I decided to return to the office. It's not use standing there on the street waiting. I told my colleagues what I do know and my decesion to return.
"You decide for youself whether you want to return. I won't require you girls to do so." That said, i turned to the office".

My husband later called that he had been informed of it and he was on street. I told him I was back in office already.

I searched on internet and found out that many people in different part of China had felt it, SHANHAI, BEJING, GANSU, MENGGU...the actual earthquake happened in Sichuan, it's 7.6! 

Also I found out some old news about old earthquake, and saw the pictures of catrophy. It's sad. And I felt suddenly besmalled of my worries of age and looks.