Some days, at the end of the day,  I would have this feeling of emptiness. 

Empity feeling, is like a deep hole in your heart, either you feel time has been wasted, or you feel what you did is not fulfilling enough.

That hole, is always there. Sometimes the hole appears smaller, when we believe that we are doing something meaningful, useful, beneficial to the well-being of the world. Sometimes that  hole feels bigger, when we feel, or realize that what we do will change nothing, the world continues the way it is.

We are not super hero, we can not save the world, we can not stop a crazy training, we can not uplift people from their sufferings. We can not even life ourselves from our own sufferings.

What makes us suffer the most, is this helpless feeling. This emptiness.

On the other hand, why not just being. The world is a cruel place for some people, a playground for the others. There is the sky above, there is the earth to step upon.

But then, where is hope? The hope is ,airplanes from above crash really hard sometimes to the earth, and the people bound on ground take off and fly too.

As I was jogging in Maison-neuf parc this morning, I was amazed by the banal world around me. I call it banal because often I took it for granted, yes, the grass are green, trees are larges, lovely parc, but I lost feelings, because I saw them nearly daily. It becomes my routine and routine turns extraordinary to oridnary. Literally, that's what it means, extra-ordinary and ordinary.

However, this morning, the ordinary became extra-ordinary. It's like seeing it for the first time, I saw what I looked but did not see before.

Lights in the garden, shades of greenness, birds singing, suddenly, the garden is mystified bathing in the morning light, it transformed into an ideal garden --- garden of Eden. 

I jogged, and thought about my routine. I did not need to be someone extra-ordinary, I am ordinary, but at the same time extra-ordinary. There is only ONE me, think about this. How unique, each of us is, and yet often we look at ourselves in the mirror and think of ourselves belittled as a common folk.

Do I have to have a high-earning job, a profession to be someone who can feel good under her own skin? No. I feel good now, just because of the lights, the parfum of lilac in purple and white blossom, the various shades of green, the green grass , green tree leaves, the smell of newly cut grass, the hyming of wind moving through the branches. I feel happy. 

I donot need to be someone or do something special to feel happy, I just need to be present, be present with myslef and the world around me.

We all live in two world, the two world clash constantly. We navigate in and out from one world to the other, we have contact and we cut the contact. 

Sometimes the two world divide like two path, sometimes they overlaps like two pieces of clouds merging together into one, one layer overlaps the other layer.

In <Game of Throne> they emphasised the importance of memory, of story-telling. They say that memories make who we are, memories of the past define us, so it's important to protect Bran, because he carries the memories of humain being. It goes as far as saying, without memories, we are nothing.

We too, carry our own memories. We carry our personal memories as well as memories of our people, our culture, our ancestors. We are part of them ,these who existed but exist no more, we are part them, and they are part of who we are. 

Memories are precious, but memories are also heavy. Carry certain memories are like carrying a heavy burden, let it go, we lost part of ourselves, carry it on, it weight us down.

Perhaps we can carry on our memories like traveling on a train, we carry our baggage on, but once on boarded, we leave the baggage on the rack, and we walk about lightly, without our heavy baggage. We can not just just carry it everywhere, we must know, when to drop it, temporarily. We can not leave it all behind neither, for it's our "belongings", it belongs to us. We are incomplete without it.

Imagine if you can erase all memories. Then who you are? You are a being, innocent, like an animal, like a plant, your being is there, but you are no more than that.

Memories give us depth, give us meaning, senses. Good memories brings us joy, sad memories brings us pain, but all in all, memories must be carried on.

June fourth, 2019